My Path
My path was to turn inward; to go into this cocoon and start to meditate. It was a very simple method, just closed my eyes and watched/observed all of the thoughts and emotions simply come and go, come and go…
I have noticed that most of these thoughts had a sense of separate self in them—they had a story. Some event had happened and the self is claiming. All of these stories arose and it also brought emotions along. They came to the surface and slowly melted in the presence of this silent watcher.This continued until a time came when the Mind became silent. This took months and then meditation became much more peaceful since each time I started to
meditation, the mind had already expressed everything and now it was much quieter, effortlessly. It feels like some sort of healing and purification has taken place. In the present, there is stillness and clarity.
In one of my experiences, I had this strong energy that arose from the bottom of my stomach, and came up to my chest and held my breath for at least ten seconds. The energy would be released and would go back down again. This was truly amazing. It was so powerful and satisfying. Even the cells on the tip of my fingers were feeling this amazing ecstasy. I felt joy even in my mouth, my gum, my teeth, my head…Oh my goodness!
I felt that was it! I am “Home.” This has to be it. I found my true love and this became my love affair. At least once a week, I was having this amazing experience. This went on for two and half years. Slowly, I noticed that although this was great, I still felt separated from “it” and “I” want to be one with “it.” It was so painful to feel this separation. Until, in one of these “love affair” experiences, the realization took place that “I” and that experience are not separate entities. They had merged together.
When the experience was over, one thing cracked open, and that was the sense of
“I-AM-ness.” That is the only thing left here and the only thing that is real. The oneness, the unity and the aloneness were felt here. No more inner duality. All there is, is this. It came up from the background to forefront.
Investigations in the Middle of the Path
I knew that all there is here is this “I Am"--the Truth. However; the mind was still trying to become one with it. The mind tried to come to the present moment so it will feel “it.” This was the time I had to ask questions like, “Is there an ‘I’ apart from ‘I Am-ness’ that exists, that wants to become one with the 'I-Am-ness'?” I easily closed my eyes and investigated. I could not find this “I.” Is there an “I” apart from the stories that is claiming these stories? Another comment would arise from the mind. “I am so conditional. I need to uncondition myself.” Is this “I” authentic? I went inward and checked again. Could not find this “I.” Each time this “I” was showing up, investigations would take place and realization would happen. The “I” was easily dismissed. During this time, the Mind was still confused and would view itself as a separate entity. The Mind would view itself as separate from the rest of the world.
Vision Change
Until one day, as I was doing my routine walk, I noticed something very strange. All of a sudden, everything became silent—all of the trees, the cars passing by, the squirrel running and even this body is IN me. I am a container of all of them. I am all of them, yet I am none of them. I am only a vision, who is observing them all, embracing them all. The body is walking IN me. I am still. That is for sure…
This would last a few minutes and then became closed. The next day, the same thing happened. The following day, again and again. Until after a few months, it completely stayed open. Now, this vision is only seeing one essence. It sees one subject, which is the Vision and all the rest are the objects within this Subject.
The objects and the Subject are not two entities. The objects arise from the Subject. The Subject is the only real thing that exists. I am the Subject.
The Truth
After this vision adjustment, at tail end of the mind was to describe, understand, and express the Truth. This took a long time. It was so clear for the mind that all there is, is the Truth. There is nothing here more real that the Truth; however, the Mind was trying to become one with it; to describe it, express it. The Mind (sense of separate self) was trying to be it. Until one day, the Mind came to its “knees.” The Mind realized that the Truth is all there is. Truth is a mystery. It cannot be understood. It can only be lived. The Mind realized that it is not separate from that. It is that. The Mind trusted the unknown fully. The Mind agreed that although that I don’t know this, this is all there is. I don’t need to know this intellectually. The Mind trusted the unknown fully. Once this was realized, the “true knowing” intuitively took over. The Mind jumped into the unknown. This was the end of the Self. The death of the Self. Here, all there is, is the Truth. Here and now. Never comes, never goes. It is here, with or without thoughts. It is here before, during and after each experience. It was always here; however, it had simply been overlooked.
The ultimate understanding is that the Truth is what I am.
I can dance it, but I can’t describe it.
I can smile it, but I can’t describe it.
I will live it, but I can’t describe it.
At this time, all the effort for searching and becoming has stopped. There is no more becoming the Truth, since I am the Truth. By and by, the attention of the mind came back home effortlessly.
I know that I know, I don’t know what I know, but I know…
End of this path. No more searching, no more becoming. Free at last.
I found myself. Was I ever lost???
I have noticed that most of these thoughts had a sense of separate self in them—they had a story. Some event had happened and the self is claiming. All of these stories arose and it also brought emotions along. They came to the surface and slowly melted in the presence of this silent watcher.This continued until a time came when the Mind became silent. This took months and then meditation became much more peaceful since each time I started to
meditation, the mind had already expressed everything and now it was much quieter, effortlessly. It feels like some sort of healing and purification has taken place. In the present, there is stillness and clarity.
In one of my experiences, I had this strong energy that arose from the bottom of my stomach, and came up to my chest and held my breath for at least ten seconds. The energy would be released and would go back down again. This was truly amazing. It was so powerful and satisfying. Even the cells on the tip of my fingers were feeling this amazing ecstasy. I felt joy even in my mouth, my gum, my teeth, my head…Oh my goodness!
I felt that was it! I am “Home.” This has to be it. I found my true love and this became my love affair. At least once a week, I was having this amazing experience. This went on for two and half years. Slowly, I noticed that although this was great, I still felt separated from “it” and “I” want to be one with “it.” It was so painful to feel this separation. Until, in one of these “love affair” experiences, the realization took place that “I” and that experience are not separate entities. They had merged together.
When the experience was over, one thing cracked open, and that was the sense of
“I-AM-ness.” That is the only thing left here and the only thing that is real. The oneness, the unity and the aloneness were felt here. No more inner duality. All there is, is this. It came up from the background to forefront.
Investigations in the Middle of the Path
I knew that all there is here is this “I Am"--the Truth. However; the mind was still trying to become one with it. The mind tried to come to the present moment so it will feel “it.” This was the time I had to ask questions like, “Is there an ‘I’ apart from ‘I Am-ness’ that exists, that wants to become one with the 'I-Am-ness'?” I easily closed my eyes and investigated. I could not find this “I.” Is there an “I” apart from the stories that is claiming these stories? Another comment would arise from the mind. “I am so conditional. I need to uncondition myself.” Is this “I” authentic? I went inward and checked again. Could not find this “I.” Each time this “I” was showing up, investigations would take place and realization would happen. The “I” was easily dismissed. During this time, the Mind was still confused and would view itself as a separate entity. The Mind would view itself as separate from the rest of the world.
Vision Change
Until one day, as I was doing my routine walk, I noticed something very strange. All of a sudden, everything became silent—all of the trees, the cars passing by, the squirrel running and even this body is IN me. I am a container of all of them. I am all of them, yet I am none of them. I am only a vision, who is observing them all, embracing them all. The body is walking IN me. I am still. That is for sure…
This would last a few minutes and then became closed. The next day, the same thing happened. The following day, again and again. Until after a few months, it completely stayed open. Now, this vision is only seeing one essence. It sees one subject, which is the Vision and all the rest are the objects within this Subject.
The objects and the Subject are not two entities. The objects arise from the Subject. The Subject is the only real thing that exists. I am the Subject.
The Truth
After this vision adjustment, at tail end of the mind was to describe, understand, and express the Truth. This took a long time. It was so clear for the mind that all there is, is the Truth. There is nothing here more real that the Truth; however, the Mind was trying to become one with it; to describe it, express it. The Mind (sense of separate self) was trying to be it. Until one day, the Mind came to its “knees.” The Mind realized that the Truth is all there is. Truth is a mystery. It cannot be understood. It can only be lived. The Mind realized that it is not separate from that. It is that. The Mind trusted the unknown fully. The Mind agreed that although that I don’t know this, this is all there is. I don’t need to know this intellectually. The Mind trusted the unknown fully. Once this was realized, the “true knowing” intuitively took over. The Mind jumped into the unknown. This was the end of the Self. The death of the Self. Here, all there is, is the Truth. Here and now. Never comes, never goes. It is here, with or without thoughts. It is here before, during and after each experience. It was always here; however, it had simply been overlooked.
The ultimate understanding is that the Truth is what I am.
I can dance it, but I can’t describe it.
I can smile it, but I can’t describe it.
I will live it, but I can’t describe it.
At this time, all the effort for searching and becoming has stopped. There is no more becoming the Truth, since I am the Truth. By and by, the attention of the mind came back home effortlessly.
I know that I know, I don’t know what I know, but I know…
End of this path. No more searching, no more becoming. Free at last.
I found myself. Was I ever lost???
